195 Best Funny Golf Quotes That’ll Make You Laugh

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Today Funny Golf Quotes ideas

“Half of golf is fun; the other half is putting.”

@Peter Dobereiner

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“There are three roads to ruin; women, gambling, and golf. The most pleasant is with women, the quickest is with gambling, but the surest is with golf.”

@Andrew Perry

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“I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I’d spent about half the day in the woods.”

@Jeff Foxworthy

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“Golf is a compromise between what your ego wants you to do, what experience tells you to do, and what your nerves let you do.”

@Bruce Crampton

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“I can airmail the golf ball, but sometimes I don’t put the right address on it.”

@Jim Dent

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“I am relying on the theory that playing golf is just like riding a bike and that I haven’t forgotten how.”

@Jennifer Wyatt

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“Golf is a game in which you yell “for,” shoot six, and write down five.”

@Paul Harvey

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“You’ve just got one problem. You stand too close to the ball after you’ve hit it.”

@Sam Snead

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“My swing is so bad I look like a caveman killing his lunch.”

@Lee Trevino

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“It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.”

@Mark Twain

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Golf can be a funny game sometimes, especially when things don’t go as planned! Here are a few humorous moments that come to mind:

  • A player accidentally hitting the ball into a water hazard or sand trap.
  • A player missing an easy putt and completely missing the hole.
  • A player accidentally hitting their ball into a bunker and getting stuck in the sand.
  • A player accidentally hitting their ball into a tree or other obstacle and it ricocheting in a strange direction.
  • A player accidentally hitting their ball too hard and sending it much further than they intended.Do any of these scenarios sound familiar? Do you have any other funny golf moments to share?

“Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.”

@John Updike

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“Golf without mistakes is like watching haircuts. A dinner without wine.”

@Jim Murray

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“Forget your opponents; always play against par.”

@Sam Snead

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“Golf is a game where you yell “Fore”, shoot six and write down five.”

@Napolean Hill

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“I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.”

@Gerald R. Ford

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“There’s a reason why golfers walk forward to their next shot. It’s to move on.”

@J.R. Rim

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“Golf’s three ugliest words: still your shot.”

@Dave Marr

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“Nothing dissects a man in public quite like golf.”

@Brent Musberger

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“This is a game of misses. The guy who misses the best is going to win.”

@Ben Hogan

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“Golf is an ideal diversion but a ruinous disease.”

@Gerald Ford

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Just Funny Golf Sayings

“If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.”

@Lee Trevino

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“The only time I talk on the golf course is to my caddy. And then only to complain when he has given me the wrong club.”

@Seve Ballesteros

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“Through years of experience I have found that air offers less resistance than dirt.”

@Jack Nicklaus

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“The difference between golf and government is that in golf you cannot improve your lie.”

@George Deukmejian

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“The only thing a golfer needs is more daylight.”

@Ben Hogan

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“If you’ve forgotten what frustration is like, spend 10 minutes on a golf course.”


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“It takes hundreds of good golf shots to gain confidence, but only one bad one to lose it.”

@Jack Nicklaus

“Golf camaraderie, like that of astronauts and Antarctic explorers, is based on a common experience of transcendence; fat or thin, scratch or duffer, we have been somerwhere together where non-golfers never go.”

@John Updike

“It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.”

@Hank Aaron

“Like one’s own children, golf has an uncanny way of endearing itself to us while at the same time evoking every weakness of mind and character, no matter how well hidden.”

@Timothy Gallwey

“I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose.”

@Gerald R. Ford

“Golf asks something of a man. It makes one loathe mediocrity. It seems to say, If you are going to keep company with me, don’t embarrass me.”

@Gary Player

“I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.”

@Lee Trevino

“You build a golf game like you build a wall, one brick at a time.”

@Tony Lema

“In golf as in life, it’s the follow through that makes the difference.”

@Ben Wicks

“We learn so many things from golf: how to suffer, for instance.”

@Bruce Lansky

“Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn’t a lot of strokes when you consider the course.”

@Lee Trevino

“Golf is a billion-dollar industry devoted entirely to hope.”

@Deepak Chopra

“You’ve just one problem. You stand too close to the ball after you’ve hit it.”

@Sam Snead

“Golf is a good walk spoiled.”

@Mark Twain

New Funny Quotes about Golf

“The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest 83 of my life.”

@Chi Chi Rodriguez

“If profanity influenced the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.”

@Horace G. Hutchinson

“The golf swing is like a suitcase into which we are trying to pack one too many things.”

@John Updike

“You ought to take more exercise, if you’re inclined to have a liver. Play golf.”

@Daphne du Maurier

“I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles.”

@Gilbert K. Chesterton

“You have the opposite of poker face. You have like miniature golf face.”

@Elizabeth Gilbert

“I’ve had a good day when I don’t fall out of the cart.”

@Buddy Hackett

“You know what the game of golf is, don’t you? It’s basketball for people who can’t jump and chess for people who can’t think.”

@Tom Robbins

“I play in the low 80s. If it’s any hotter than that, I won’t play.”

@Joe E. Lewis

“I started watching golf for the first time yesterday. I`m really worried about myself. I was actually enjoying it.”

@Ewan McGregor

“If there is any larceny in a man, golf will bring it out.”

@Paul Gallico

“Golf is an unusual game. When you have a good day, you can’t wait to get back out there, and when you have a bad day, you can’t wait to get back out there.”


“Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.”

@Jack Benny

“Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss.”

@James Murray

“Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.”

@Jim Bishop

“Mini-golf is a lot like life. It can be difficult. It can be rewarding. And there are windmills.”

@Joe Tessitore

“The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody put a flagstick on top.”

@Pete Dye

“I don’t like to watch golf on television because I can’t stand people who whisper.”

@David Brenner

“While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.”

@Henny Youngman

“I don’t want to play golf. When I hit a ball, I want someone else to go chase it.”

@Rogers Hornsby

Medium Funny Quotes Golf

“The more I practice, the luckier I get.”

@Jerry Barber

“Whoever said “Practice makes perfect” obviously never played golf.”


“I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.”

@Bob Hope

“My worst day at golf still beats my best day at work.”

@Corn Rows

“If I’m on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him.”

@Bob Hope

“Golf is the hardest game in the world to play, and the easiest to cheat at.”

@Dave Hill

“Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball. Find the ball. Repeat until the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end.”

@Chuck Hogan

“To find a man’s true character, play golf with him.”

@P.G. Wodehouse

“Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an ever smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose.”

@Winston Churchill

“They say golf is like life, but don’t believe them. It’s more complicated than that.”

@Gardner Dickinson

“Golf is assuredly a mystifying game. It would seem that if a person has hit a golf ball correctly a thousand times, he should be able to duplicate the performance at will. But such is certainly not the case.”

@Bobby Jones

“Golf is a worrier’s game, inward, concentrated, a matter of inches, invented by the same people who gave us Presbyterianism.”

@Robert Hass

“The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.”

@Phyllis Diller

“Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.”

@John Updike

“Golf tip: Lay off for three weeks and then quit for good.”

@Sam Snead

“Consider the value of doing what you love and being paid for it! This is truly a golfer’s dream.”

@Lorii Myres

“It’s a funny thing, the more I practice the luckier I get.”

@Arnold Palmer

“Enjoyment of golf, regardless of the level you play at, is primarily based on how closely you play to your level of ability.”

@Steve Bann

“I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.”

@Will Rogers

“Golf is a fascinating game. It has taken me nearly 40 years to discover that I can’t play it.”

@Ted Ray

“Of all the hazards, fear is the worst.”

@Sam Snead

Daily Golfing Quotes Funny

“Golf tips are like aspirin. One may do you good, but if you swallow the whole bottle you will be lucky to survive.”

@Harvey Penick

“There is no such thing as natural touch. Touch is something you create by hitting millions of golf balls.”

@Lee Trevino

“I’ve seen lifelong friends drift apart over golf just because one could play better, but the other counted better.”

@Stephen Leacock

“Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is the only sport where the players aren’t penalized for being on grass.”

@Bob Hope

“Don’t force your kids into sports. I never was. To this day, my dad has never asked me to go play golf. I ask him.”

@Tiger Woods

“Golf is the most fun you can have with out taking your clothes off.”

@Chi Chi Rodriguez

“A golf course is the epitome of all that is purely transitory in the universe; a space not to dwell in, but to get over as quickly as possible.”

@Jean Giraudoux

“The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.”

@Brian Weiss

“I play golf with friends sometimes, but there are never friendly games.”

@Ben Hogan

“Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you’re the best.”

@Jack Nicklaus

“The great thing about starting golf in your forties is that you can start golf in your forties.”

@P. J. O’Rourke

“Golf is the closest game to the game we call life. You get bad breaks from good shots; you get good breaks from bad shots – but you have to play the ball where it lies.”

@Bobby Jones

“With many twists and holes life is much like a golf game: Without bats you cannot play.”

@Ana Claudia Antunes

“I’m about five inches from being an outstanding golfer. That’s the distance my left ear is from my right.”

@Ben Crenshaw

“The main idea in golf as in life, I suppose is to learn to accept what cannot be altered…”

@Bobby Jones

“They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.”

@Ray Floyd

“Golf is a game that mirrors life. Golf is both a mystical journey of joy and sorrow and a physical journey of cause and effect.”

@Matthew E. Adams

“Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.”

@Bob Hope

“I’d play every day if I could. It’s cheaper than a shrink and there are no telephones on my golf cart.”

@Brent Musburger

“If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.”

@Jack Lemmon

Short Funny Golfing Quotes

“While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.”

@Henny Youngman

“Putting allows the touchy golfer two to four opportunities to blow a gasket in the short space of two to forty feet.”

@Tommy Bolt

“I’m addicted. I’m addicted to golf.”

@Tiger Woods

“A kid grows up a lot faster on the golf course. Golf teaches you how to behave.”

@Jack Nicklaus

“Relax? How can anybody relax and play golf? You have to grip the club, don’t you?”

@Ben Hogan

“Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.”

@Dave Barry

“Ours is a youth culture, and like a golf tournament, we honor only low scores.”

@Bill Cosby

“The most important shot in golf is the next one.”

@Ben Hogan

“They call it golf because all the other four letter words were taken.”

@Raymond Flyod

“The game of golf would lose a great deal if croquet mallets and billiard cues were allowed on the putting green.”

@Ernest Hemingway

“Golf has probably kept more people sane than psychiatrists have.”

@Harvey Penick

“The difference between golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie.”

@George Deukmejian

“Golf is like solitaire. When you cheat, you cheat only yourself.”

@Tony Lema

“Half of golf is fun; the other half is putting.”

@Peter Dobereiner

“A great deal of unnecessarily bad golf is played in this world.”

@Harry Vardon

“Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick.”

@P. J. O’Rourke

“If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play at it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.”

@Bob Hope

“One thing about golf is you don’t know why you play bad and why you play good.”

@George Archer

“The difference between a good golf shot and a bad one is the same as the difference between a beautiful and a plain woman – a matter of millimetres.”

@Ian Fleming

“Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you will go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink.”

@Bob Hope

“Never on any golf course have I been approached by a policeman who said, Lady, you can’t play with an ordinary golf ball. You’re a movie star. You’ll have to use a coconut for a ball.”

@Irene Dunne

“For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.”

@Dave Barry

“A well hit golf shot is a feeling that goes up the shaft, right through your hands and into your heart.”

@Ben Hogan

“Golf is a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.”

@Earl Wilson

“Golf has some drawbacks. It’s possible, by too much of it, to destroy the mind.”

@Sir W.G. Simpson

“Talking to a golf ball won’t do you any good, unless you do it while your opponent is teeing off.”

@Bruce Lansky

“But in the end it’s still a game of golf, and if at the end of the day you can’t shake hands with your opponents and still be friends, then you’ve missed the point.”

@Payne Stewart

“Competitive golf is played mainly on a five-and-a-half-inch course… the space between your ears.”

@Bobby Jones

“The only way of really finding out a man’s true character is to play golf with him. In no other walk of life does the cloven hoof so quickly display itself.”

@P. G. Wodehouse

“There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.”

@Ben Hogan

“The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one – particularly if he plays golf, which he usually does.”

@Bertrand Russell

“Don’t play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.”

@Harry Vardon

“If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.”

@Tom Mulligan

“Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at it.”

@Jimmy Demaret

“I always thought of myself as some sort of athlete until I started playing golf a couple years ago.”

@James Caan

“The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.”

@Billy Graham

“Golf is a game where white men can dress up as black pimps and get away with it.”

@Robin Williams

“The uglier a man’s legs are, the better he plays golf – it’s almost a law.”

@H. G. Wells

“Most people play a fair game of golf – if you watch them.”

@Joey Lauren Adams

“These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.”

@Sam Snead

“Golf is a puzzle without an answer. I’ve played the game for 40 years and I still haven’t the slightest idea how to play.”

@Gary Player

“Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.”

@William Wordsworth

“It is nothing new or original to say that golf is played one stroke at a time. But it took me many years to realize it.”

@Bobby Jones

“Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing.”

@Ben Hogan

“Golf is a funny game. It’s done much for health, and at the same time has ruined people by robbing them of their peace of mind. Look at me, I’m the healthiest idiot in the world.”

@Bob Hope

Thank you for reading all about funny golf quotes. Hope you like it!

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