Looking for the best life is short funny quotes and wise phrases to sayings about life. Here we share 205 life is short funny quotes and funny wise sayings with beautiful images and funny Images. Sometimes we have to see the life is short funny quotes in order to keep going. With so much humor in the world, we’ve collected some hilarious life is short funny quotes from a wide range of famous authors, celebrities, and thinkers from over the last couple of centuries, and beyond.
Table of Contents
Best Life is Short Funny Quotes of All Time
❤️”I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”❣️❣️
@Mitch Hedberg
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❤️”A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.”❣️❣️
@Don Marquis
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❤️”Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”❣️❣️
@Abraham Lincoln
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❤️”If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?”❣️❣️
@Abraham Lincoln
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❤️”The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”❣️❣️
@Abraham Lincoln
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❤️”An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.”❣️❣️
@Dylan Thomas
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❤️”Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”❣️❣️
@Alan Dundes
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❤️”The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”❣️❣️
@Albert Einstein
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❤️”War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.”❣️❣️
@Ambrose Pierce
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❤️”If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”❣️❣️
@Ann Landers
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❤️”I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.”❣️❣️
@Arthur C. Clarke
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❤️”A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”❣️❣️
@Bob Hope
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❤️”My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.”❣️❣️
@Caroline Rhea
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❤️”I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”❣️❣️
@Charles Lamb
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❤️”Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”❣️❣️
@Charles Shulz
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❤️”A day without laughter is a day wasted.”❣️❣️
@Charlie Chaplin
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❤️”Political correctness is tyranny with manners.”❣️❣️
@Charleton Heston
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❤️”If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”❣️❣️
@Dalai Lama
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❤️”Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”❣️❣️
@Dale Carnegie
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❤️”Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.”❣️❣️
@Daniel J. Boorstin
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Funny Quotes about Life and Love
❤️”Everyone with telekinetic powers, raise my hand.”❣️❣️
@Emo Philips
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❤️”All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.”❣️❣️
@Alexander Woollcott
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❤️”Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”❣️❣️
@Erma Bombeck
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❤️”Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.”❣️❣️
@Francois de La Rochefoucauld
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❤️”The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”❣️❣️
@Bill Waterson
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❤️”Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.”❣️❣️
@Gertrude Stein
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❤️”All men are equal before fish.”❣️❣️
@Herbert Hoover
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❤️”People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”❣️❣️
@Isaac Asimov
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❤️”My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.”❣️❣️
@Jean Rostand
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❤️”Life is hard. After all, it kills you.”❣️❣️
@Katharine Hepburn
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❤️”Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.”❣️❣️
@Laurence J. Peter
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❤️”Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”❣️❣️
@Mark Twain
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❤️”I am only human, although I regret it.”❣️❣️
@Mark Twain
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❤️”When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.”❣️❣️
@Norm Crosby
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❤️”What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.”❣️❣️
@Oscar Levant
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❤️”When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”❣️❣️
@Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh
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❤️”I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.”❣️❣️
@Ralph Waldo Emerson
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❤️”I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!”❣️❣️
@Tom Lehrer
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❤️”A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.”❣️❣️
@W. C. Fields
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❤️”Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”❣️❣️
@Sam Levenson
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Very Short Funny Quotes about Life
❤️”He knows nothing; he thinks he knows everything – that clearly points to a political career.”❣️❣️
@George Bernard Shaw
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❤️”Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.”❣️❣️
@Will Rogers
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❤️”I had plastic surgery last week – I cut up my credit cards.”❣️❣️
@Henny Youngman
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❤️”Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.”❣️❣️
@Dennis Wholey
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❤️”The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”❣️❣️
@Andy Rooney
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❤️”Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?”❣️❣️
@Benny Hill
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❤️”As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”❣️❣️
@Buddy Hackett
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❤️”It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.”❣️❣️
@Dave Barry
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❤️”Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.”❣️❣️
@David Letterman
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❤️”My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.”❣️❣️
@Ellen DeGeneres
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❤️”can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.”❣️❣️
@Fred Allen
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❤️”The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.”❣️❣️
@Fred Allen
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❤️”Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”❣️❣️
@George Burns
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❤️”Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman… or a bad woman.”❣️❣️
@George Burns
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❤️”When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”❣️❣️
@George Burns
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❤️”Have you ever noticed that anybody driving faster than you is a maniac, and anyone going slower than you is a moron?”❣️❣️
@George Carlin
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❤️”I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.”❣️❣️
@George Carlin
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❤️”There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.”❣️❣️
@Jerry Seinfeld
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❤️”According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.”❣️❣️
@Jay Leno
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❤️”It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”❣️❣️
@Jerry Seinfeld
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Funny Quotes about Life Lessons
❤️”Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.”❣️❣️
@Jackie Mason
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❤️”If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.”❣️❣️
@Johnny Carson
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❤️”Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.”❣️❣️
@Bill Maher
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❤️”Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.”❣️❣️
@Bill Maher
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❤️”If you think you have it tough, read history books.”❣️❣️
@Bill Maher
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❤️”This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo.”❣️❣️
@Bill Maher
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❤️”A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’”❣️❣️
@Conan O’Brien
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❤️”The only bathroom law I’m interested in is one that bans loud sighing.”❣️❣️
@Conan O’Brien
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❤️”I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.”❣️❣️
@Lily Tomlin
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❤️”The road to success is always under construction.”❣️❣️
@Lily Tomlin
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❤️”God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.”❣️❣️
@Naguib Mahfouz
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❤️”If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?”❣️❣️
@Lily Tomlin
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❤️”Every time something pops in my head, I think twice about it and I do it anyway.”❣️❣️
@Gilbert Gottfried
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❤️”If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.”❣️❣️
@Gilbert Gottfried
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❤️”The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.”❣️❣️
@Zach Galifianakis
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❤️”Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.”❣️❣️
@Larry David
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❤️“Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bitch.”❣️❣️
@Lili St. Crow
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❤️“If an apology is followed by an excuse or a reason, it means they are going to commit same mistake again they just apologized for.”❣️❣️
@Amit Kalantri
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❤️“Amren,” Rhys drawled, “sends her regards. And as for this one … ” I tried not to flinch away from meeting his stare. “She’s mine,” he said quietly, but viciously enough that Devlon and his warriors nearby heard. “And if any of you lay a hand on her, you lose that hand. And then you lose your head.” I tried not to shiver, as Cassian and Mor showed no reaction at all. “And once Feyre is done killing you,” Rhys smirked, “Then I’ll grind your bones to dust.”❣️❣️
@Sarah J. Maas, A Court of Mist and Fury
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❤️“Well, then, Otter, of course, I don’t like Bundt cake. It has eggs in it. Baby chicken eggs. You don’t see chickens standing outside of maternity wards waiting to get our babies to make their Bundt cake, do you?”❣️❣️
@TJ Klune, Who We Are
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Cute Funny Love Quotes
❤️“It didn’t take him thirty seconds to have a swig of vodka and a hefty sniff before his hands were as steady as a bloke with his bollocks caught in a zip”❣️❣️
@Matthew Bracey, Steel Dogs
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❤️“Hey! When he dug into it, rifling through her things, she snapped, “Go Yoda someone else’s supplies, asshole.”❣️❣️
@Kresley Cole, Demon from the Dark
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❤️“Not to alarm you or anything, but I think you just made a deal with a Mexican gang.” I’ve read Simone Elkele’s books. I know how this whole garage as a front thing works.”❣️❣️
@Tammy Blackwell, Fate Succumbs
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❤️“Be Stupid, be dumb, be funny, if that’s who you are. Don’t try to be somebody that society wants you to be; that’s stupid.” So be yourself.”❣️❣️
@Christina Grimmie
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❤️“It’s probably not easy for a woman to understand what it’s like to be a man. Imagine you’re starving, and someone puts a huge buffet in front of you. There’s delicious, mouth-watering food all around you, and it’s really really hard not to eat it all. That’s what it’s like to be a man around attractive women. The urge to want to hump everything that moves is part of a man’s natural programming. It’s a deep-seated hunger. To suppress that hunger takes civilization and a lot of willpower.”❣️❣️
@Oliver Markus, Why Men And Women Can’t Be Friends
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❤️“Around about now, young John Owen comes out of the shack lugging my old musket from the War. At six years of age, our youngest boy already knew his business. Not a word, just brings the shooting iron somewhat closer so’s he don’t waste powder, then hoists her up, set to haul back on the trigger. I believe his plan was to shoot this feller, get the story later.”❣️❣️
@Peter Matthiessen, Shadow Country
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❤️“Webster said, ”Time them skeeters get done with that old man, his French blood will be all gone and he will speak American as good as we do.”❣️❣️
@Peter Matthiessen, Shadow Country
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❤️“I’m not good at writing letters, even though I just wrote eighty-two of them in this one sentence alone.”❣️❣️
@Karl Kristian Flores, The Goodbye Song
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❤️“These are icebreakers. You’re not supposed to break the ice, you’re just supposed to coat your voice with as many layers of confidence as possible so that they don’t hear your voice shake when it’s your turn to speak. Idiot.”❣️❣️
@Karl Kristian Flores, The Goodbye Song
♨️
❤️“Death is the ultimate vacation: you’re with the stars, you don’t have to pay rent, everyone loves you, and nothing hurts. So, it’s very important you save death for later.”❣️❣️
@Karl Kristian Flores, The Goodbye Song
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❤️“The idea that objectivity is best reached only through rational thought is a specifically Western and masculine way of thinking–one that we will challenge throughout the book.”❣️❣️
@Margaret L. Andersen, Race, Class, & Gender: An Anthology
♨️
❤️“Besides,’ continued Julian, ‘you can slam down a phone like that. You can’t slam down a mobile. Imagine, a whole generation who’ll never know the joy of slamming down a phone.”❣️❣️
@Clare Pooley, The Authenticity Project
♨️
❤️“So I stared, and Samantha looked back at me, and there we were: a perfectly normal married man with three kids and a promising career who just happened to enjoy killing people, staring at a perfectly normal eighteen-year-old girl who went to a good school and liked Twilight and who wanted to be eaten, sitting next to each other in a walk-in refrigerator at a vampire club in South Beach.”❣️❣️
@Jeff Lindsay, Dexter Is Delicious
♨️
❤️“We need two things,” Caroline said. “Disguises, and to get those videos from the Tart Fart so that he can’t upload anything else to the Internet, or turn anything over to the police.”❣️❣️
@Cindy Callaghan, Lost in London
♨️
❤️“I have a bunch of moles on my body,’ said Phoebe. ‘They make me look disgusting. My closet’s literally filled with the most spectacular turtleneck collection you’ve ever seen.”❣️❣️
@Karl Kristian Flores, The Goodbye Song
♨️
❤️“If you’re feeling down, we can go out and grab some ice cream. We don’t even have to pay—we can just stick our hands in the tubs, grab, let it sit, and walk away.”❣️❣️
@Karl Kristian Flores, The Goodbye Song
♨️
❤️“Any bookseller will tell you that, even with 100,000 books neatly sorted and shelved in a well-lit, warm shop, if you put an unopened box of books in a dark, cold, dimly lit corner, customers will be riffling through it in a matter of moments. The appeal of a box of unsorted, unpriced stock is extraordinary.”❣️❣️
@Shaun Bythell, The Diary of a Bookseller
♨️
❤️“There are two well-known types of pest by whom every second-hand bookshop is haunted. One is the decayed person smelling of old bread crusts who comes every day, sometimes several times a day, and tries to sell you worthless books. The other is the person who orders large quantities of books for which he has not the smallest intention of paying.”❣️❣️
@George Orwell, Bookshop Memories
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❤️“A women spent ten minutes looking around the shop, then told me that she was a retired librarian. I suspect she thought this was some kind of a bond between us. Not so. On the whole, booksellers dislike librarians.”❣️❣️
@Shaun Bythell, The Diary of a Bookseller
♨️
❤️“Dickens is one of those authors whom people are ‘always meaning to read, and, like the Bible, he is widely known at second hand. People know by hearsay that Bill Sikes was a burglar and that Mr. Micawber had a bald head, just as they know by hearsay that Moses was found in a basket of bulrushes and saw the ‘back parts’ of the Lord.”❣️❣️
@George Orwell
♨️
❤️“When the old man in the crumpled suit came to the counter to pay for the copy of Dostoyevsky’s The Idiot, I discreetly pointed out that his fly was open. He glanced down – as if for confirmation of this – then looked back at me and said, ‘A dead bird can’t fall out of its nest’, and left the shop fly still agape.”❣️❣️
@Shaun Bythell, The Diary of a Bookseller
♨️
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❤️“The Soviet period was a disaster, not least because supply lines were so long and so corrupt that little was left by the time goods reached the Russian Far East except things nobody wanted, such as the fabled ten thousand left-foot gumboots. (On that occasion, transport planning failed to the extent that the 10,000 left boots went in the opposite direction to the same number of right boots, heading nobody knew where).”❣️❣️
@Sara Wheeler
♨️
❤️“Let me tell you, managing a bunch of high-maintenance white women who freak out every time their European hair dryer blows out an outlet isn’t exactly a picnic.”❣️❣️
@Nenia Campbell, Quid Pro Quo
♨️
❤️“To qualify for a top-secret security clearance requires hard work and sacrifice. But the way I figure it, those sheep and goats weren’t going to live much longer anyway.”❣️❣️
@John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert Comic
♨️
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