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Today Quotes from Mitch Hedberg ideas
“I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“Last week, I helped my friend stay put. It’s a lot easier’n helpin’ ’em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. “Dude who is attacking me – come a little closer!””
@Mitch Hedberg
“What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you’re feeling sick but sociable.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“If my kid couldn’t draw I’d make sure that my kitchen magnets didn’t work.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She’s an actress. She just never gets called to the set.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I don’t have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it, so I would get a baby-naming book. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I don’t have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!”
@Mitch Hedberg
“People teach their dogs to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I like to close my eyes on the stage, because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that’s funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn’t funny.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“Then let’s print up some flyers!”
@Mitch Hedberg
“Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I’m going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I’m an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I want to get a vending machine, with fun-sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed up.”
@Mitch Hedberg
Short Mitch Hedberg Quotes
“I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“Why are there no during pictures.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I’d like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“This shirt is dry clean only. Which means… it’s dirty.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which one is the real hero?”
@Mitch Hedberg
“Come on ‘long prosperous life!’”
@Mitch Hedberg
“My friend was walking down the street and he said, I hear music. As if there is any other way of taking it in. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“We don’t have to fix anything.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“Onions make me sad. A lot of people don’t realize that.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for ME.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don’t do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“You can’t please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just wasting time. You don’t have to fry them again after all.”
@Mitch Hedberg
Amazing Quotes Mitch Hedberg
“When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“Dogs are forever in the push up postion.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“People ask me for my autograph after a show. I’m not famous, I think they’re messing with me. I think they’re trying to make me late for something.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I wish I could play little league now. I’d be way better than before.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“If you want to talk to me after the show, I’d be surprised.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“It’s hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa! Where’s my wallet? But, hey this song is funky…”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil — and the devil was dill.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I got binoculars ’cause I don’t want to go that close.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I heard a guy tell me he liked cherries. I waited to hear if he was going to say “tomatoes”, then I realized he like cherries just. That joke is ridiculous.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy all day.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotomus or just a really cool opotamus?”
@Mitch Hedberg
“It’s very dangerous to wave to people you don’t know because what if they don’t have hands? They’ll think you’re cocky.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“Whenever I go to shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving, so I say “I’m gonna go shave, too.””
@Mitch Hedberg
“Swiss Cheese is a rip-off It’s the only cheese I can bite into and miss.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it. ”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I got a king-sized bed. I don’t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he’d be comfortable.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say “I’m hungry”, so it died.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I’ve got a wallet, it’s orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn’t make any sense at all.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I’d be making money in a very weird way.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it’s annoying.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I don’t have a girlfriend, but I know a woman who would get really angry if she heard me say that.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I’m gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like “Dude, you have to wait.””
@Mitch Hedberg
Famous Quotes by Mitch Hedberg
“I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house. “Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!””
@Mitch Hedberg
“I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, “Do you want these in a bag?” I said, “Oh, no, man, I juggle.””
@Mitch Hedberg
“My roommate said to me, ‘I’m gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?’ It’s like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!””
@Mitch Hedberg
“I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“Last week I helped my friend stay put. It’s a lot easier’n helpin’ ’em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“Every time I go and shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, ‘I’m gonna go shave, too.’”
@Mitch Hedberg
“One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture is of you when you were younger.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I was going to stay overnight at my friend’s house – he said, “you’ll have to sleep on the floor.” Damn gravity! You don’t know how bad I wanted to sleep on the wall.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What’s that you’re wearing? That’s sizzlin’!”
@Mitch Hedberg
“This shirt is ‘dry-clean only’… Which means it’s dirty.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job at Mrs. Paul’s.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I’ve got an idea for sweat shops: Air Conditioning! Problem solved.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“Every picture of you is when you were younger.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!”
@Mitch Hedberg
“If you’re watching a parade, don’t follow it. It never changes. If the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. You will fast-forward the parade.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I’ve always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That’s not a full joke there! It’s filler.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That’s like I wrote a joke that didn’t work, but now I have to tell it for a year.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I got so much tarter i dont gotta dip my fishsticks in shit!”
@Mitch Hedberg
“If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. There’s a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn’t have to make separations for me.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I need to rewrite it. I said, Screw that, I’ll just make a copy.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I can’t wait to get off the stage, because I’ve got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.”
@Mitch Hedberg
Best Mitch Hedberg Quotes
“A fly was very close to being called a land, because that’s what it does half the time.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It’s like “I ain’t going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!””
@Mitch Hedberg
“I tried walking into a Target , but I missed.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“It’s hard to fight when you’re in a gazebo.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.'”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“Y’know, you can’t please all the people all the time… and last night, all those people were at my show.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I got a robe. It’s not a robe, really, it’s just a towel that fits me.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“There are six ducks out here, and they all want Sun Chips!”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I think that they should call a cheese grater by its real name…a sponge ruiner.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“It’s hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa Where’s my wallet But, hey this song is funky…”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I went to the store to bye a candle holder. They didn’t have one so I got a cake.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil – and the devil was dill.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I’ve still got tartar, but it’s under control.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“Where are all the ‘during’ photos? I’ve never seen one.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they’re really doing is saying, “I can’t knit, get this away from me!””
@Mitch Hedberg
“I sick of “soup of the day” it’s time we made a decision, i want to know what “soup from now on” is”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That’s a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?”
@Mitch Hedberg
“People who smoke cigarettes, they say “You don’t know how hard it is to quit smoking.” Yes I do. It’s as hard as it is to start flossing.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“It’s weird… people say they’re not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?”
@Mitch Hedberg
“Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I’m in front of a fireplace, I’m hilarious.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that… day.”
@Mitch Hedberg
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