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Table of Contents
Best Love is Quotes Funny for Him and Her
“An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”
“Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.”
@Joan Crawford
“Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.”
@George Burns
“Romantic love is mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one.”
@Fran Lebowitz
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.”
@Tim Allen
“Love is a two-way street constantly under construction.”
@Carroll Bryant
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”
@Jean Illsley Clarke
“True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen.”
@Francois de la Rochefoucauld
“Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener”
@Pauline Thomason
“Love doesn’t drop on you unexpectedly; you have to give off signals, sort of like an amateur radio operator.”
@Helen Gurley Brown
“I had a dream that i still loved you…I think I woke up screaming.”
@Christine
“It wasn’t love at first sight. It took a full five minutes.”
@Lucille Ball
“I love you so much I’d fight a bear for you. Well, not a grizzly bear because they have claws, and not a panda bear because they know Kung Fu… But a carebear, I’d definitely fight a carebear for you.”
@Anonymous
“If you text ‘I love you to a person and the person writes back an emoji – no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back.”
@Chelsea Peretti
“I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.”
@Steven Wright
“Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.”
@Albert Einstein
“Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses.”
@Thomas Dewar
“I love you more than coffee, but please don’t make me prove it.”
@Elizabeth Evans
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
@Charles M. Schulz
“Love is a mutual self-giving which ends in self-recovery.”
@Fulton J. Sheen
Funny Morning Quotes
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.”
@Miles Davis
“You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale.”
@Hussein Nishah
“In any perfect relationship men should remember it’s a matter of direction; she takes what’s right and you take what’s left.”
@Solitaire Parke
“Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore.”
@Bree Luckey
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years – then we met.”
@Rodney Dangerfield
“Love is a sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.”
@Jewish Proverb
“Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket, or a holding pattern over Philadelphia.”
@Judith Viorst
“Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch.”
@Cathy Carlyle
“True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.”
@Erich Segal
“If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools.”
@Katherine Mansfield
“In love, somehow, a man’s heart is always either exceeding the speed limit or getting parked in the wrong place.”
@Rowland
“Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.”
@Richard Jeni
“In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.”
@Woody Allen
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?”
@Lilly Tomlin
“Love is fun but, it is not going to pay the bills.”
@Jessica Martin
“A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears”
@Les Dawson
“People should fall in love with their eyes closed.”
@Andy Warhol
“If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterward.”
@J.A. Redmerski
“My last love is just like that thong peter griffin borrowed from me… Never getting it back.”
@Refinnej Sin
“Love is like finding a needle in a hay stack!”
@FaithHopeNLove
Famous Funny Quotes
“We’re like Romeo & Juliet.. Except for the dying part of course.”
@Justina
“The more she turned right the more I turned wrong.”
@Mark W. Boyer
“I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.”
@Woody Allen
“Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage.”
@Ambrose Bierce
“Love conquers all things–expect poverty and toothache.”
@Mae West
“Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.”
@Henny Youngman
“Love is blind, but marriage restores its sight.”
@Georg C. Lichtenberg
“Love is a kind of military service.”
@Ovid
“Love at first sight is easy to understand; it’s when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle.”
@Amy Bloom
“Oh, how absurd and delicious it is in love with somebody younger than yourself. Everybody should try it–no life can be complete without it.”
@Barbara Pym
“If it is your time, love will track you down life a cruse missile.”
@Lynda Barry
“To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.”
@Oscar Wilde
“Being in love with yourself means never having to say you’re got a headache.”
@Ellie Laine
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.”
@Tim Allen
“I’ve been in love with the same woman for 41 years. If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!”
@Henny Youngman
“Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.”
@Groucho Marx
“I love mankind… It’s people I can’t stand.”
@Linus Van Pelt
“I never loved another person the way I loved myself.”
@Mae West
“But love is not fashionable anymore, the poets have killed it. They wrote so much about it that nobody believed them.”
@Oscar Wilde
“The world’s tragedy is that men love women, women love children, and children love hamsters.”
@Joanna Trollope
Funny Thanksgiving Quotes
“My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.”
@Mia Farrow
“Love is an exploding cigar that you willingly smoke.”
@Lynda Barry
“Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.”
@H. L. Mencken
“If you never want to see a man again, just tell him ‘I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have children.’ They leave skid marks.”
@Rita Rudner
“Every love’s the love before in a duller dress.”
@Dorothy Parker
“Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin–it’s the triumphant twang of a bedspring.”
@S. J. Perelman
“There’s only one kind of love that lasts–unrequited love. It stays with you forever.”
@Woody Allen
“Love is something sent from heaven to worry the hell out of you.”
@Dolly Parton
“Those who are faithful know only the trivial side of love; it is faithless who know love’s tragedies.”
@Oscar Wilde
“Love was only the dirty trick nature played on us to achieve continuation of the species.”
@W. Somerset Maugham
“I believe in love and marriage, but not necessarily with the same person.”
@John Travolta
“Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.”
@John Barrymore
“Love is a gross exaggeration of the difference between one person and everybody else.”
@George Bernard Shaw
“Love is like quicksilver in the hand…Leave the fingers open and it stays in the palm. Clutch it, and it darts away.”
@Dorothy Parker
“There is always something ridiculous about the passions of people whom one has ceased to love.”
@Oscar Wilde
“Love is the child of illusion and the parent of disillusion.”
@Miguel de Unamuno
“Many man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by lit.”
@Maurice Chevalier
“Love. Of course, love. Flames for a year, ashes for 30.”
@Giuseppi di Lampedusa
“Love is not merely blind but mentally afflicted.”
@Alice Thomas Ellis
“Men always want to be a woman’s first love…what (women) like is to be a man’s last romance.”
@Oscar Wilde
Funny Sunday Quotes
“My wife and I thought we were in love–but it turned out to be benign.”
@Woody Allen
“Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.”
@Henry Fielding
“First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity.”
@George Bernard Shaw
“I had rather hear my dog bark at a crow than a man swear he loves me.”
@William Shakespeare
“Love is the history of a woman’s life; it is but an episode in a man’s.”
@Madame De Stael
“Love is like any other luxury. You have no right to it unless you can afford it.”
@Anthony Trolloper
“When one is in love one begins by deceiving one’s self. And one ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.”
@Oscar Wilde
“
Love is the magician that pulls man out of his own hat.“@Ben Hecht
“The best love affairs are those we never had.”
@Norman Lindsay
“Love for me is like a pretzel. Twisted and salty.”
@Emmy Gay
“Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.”
@H. L. Mencken
“A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears.”
@Woodrow Wyatt
“The fickleness of the women I love is only equaled by the infernal constancy of the women who love me.”
@George Bernard Shaw
“Love us the triumph of imagination over intelligence.”
@H. L. Mencken
“Nothing takes the taste out peanut butter quite life unrequited love.”
@Charlie Brown
“They say love’s like the measles–all the worse when it comes late in life.”
@Douglas William Jerrold
“How alike are the groans of love to those of the dying.”
@Malcolm Lowry
“When love is not madness, it is not love.”
@Pedro Calderon de la Barca
“A girl must marry for love, and keep on marrying until she finds it.”
@Zsa Zsa Gabor
“I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.”
@Bill Clinton
“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”
@Alec Baldwin
“A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.”
@Barack Obama
“And now,” Eric yelled into his microphone, “we’re going to sing a new song-one we just wrote. This one’s for my girlfriend. We’ve been going out for three weeks, and, damn, our love is true. We’re gonna be together forever, baby. This one’s called ‘Bang You Like a Drum.”
@Cassandra Clare, City of Fallen Angels
“Kitten…” “Don’t Kitten me.” I scowled, on a roll now. “You left around five or so and didn’t get back till when? Past two in the morning? What were you guys doing? And get that stupid smile off your face. This isn’t funny.” Daemon tried to get rid of the smile but failed. “I love when your claws come out.”
@Jennifer L. Armentrout, Opal
“It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack.”
@Germany Kent
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better, and she couldn’t have done worse.”
– Henry Youngman
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
@Mitch Hedberg
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” – Phyllis Diller
“Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.”
@David Letterman
“Husbands and wives are so irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”
– Janet Periat
“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
@Jack Handey
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”
– Billy Connolly
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
@Erma Bombeck
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go and live with a car battery.”
– Emma Bombeck
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
@Jerry (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld
“Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”
– Ogden Nash
“Being a mom means never buying the right amount of produce. Either everyone suddenly loves grapes and a week’s worth are eaten in one afternoon, or fruit flies are congregating around my rotting bananas.”
@Lessons from the Minivan
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: I’ll do the dishes.”
– Anonymous
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
@Jerry Seinfeld
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure and I don’t have to shake hands.”
@Larry (Larry David), Curb Your Enthusiasm
“That’s why New York is so great, though. Everyone you care about can despise you and you can still find a bagel so good, nothing else matters. Who needs love when you’ve got lox? They both stink, but only one tastes good.”
@Midge Maisel (Rachel Brosnahan), The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel
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